The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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