After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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