The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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