I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
