I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
