I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
