"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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