i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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