I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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