remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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