Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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