Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
