Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
