Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
