So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
