Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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