3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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