I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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