Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
