she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
