Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
