i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize