having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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