And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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