I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
