I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
