...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
