There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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