I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
