I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
