I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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