Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
