I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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