I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize