explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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