Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
