You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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