what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
