you told grandpa to call you daddy
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
