I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
