Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
did you just send me my own nude
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sex in the backyard? Check.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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