I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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