i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
