Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
