i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
