they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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