After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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