my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
