i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
