You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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