cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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