Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
