my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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