Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
