I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
