Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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