I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
