well you can't waste a boner
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Randomize
