What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
